At exactly 6 PM on November 29, 2012 (the UN’s “International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People”), Allah in His mercy transported all 11,000,000 ‘Palestinians’ — those living in Israel and the territories, in refugee camps in various Arab countries, and in their worldwide diaspora — to heaven, where they received the rewards denied them on earth.
After collecting the piles of clothing, Kalashnikovs and explosives left behind by the departing Palestinians, Israelis heaved a sigh of relief. Now that they could no longer be accused of mistreating Palestinians, they would be welcomed into the family of nations.
No such luck.
On the day after the Rapture, UNRWA officials announced a crash program to hire new employees to replace the 29,700 out of 30,000 who were Palestinian. “We have a huge task ahead of us,” said John Ging, head of UNRWA in Gaza, as he walked through the deserted streets of Gaza City, among wind-whipped black ski masks and green headbands. “One we get staffed up again, we’ll begin the task of repopulating the refugee camps. Maybe we can get Egyptians to live here — they don’t have any food in Egypt.” Deftly stepping over a Qassam rocket rolling on the sidewalk, he continued: “After all, we can’t let the Zionists come back. And we have $1.2 billion to distribute!” In the distance, the detonation of an empty suicide belt was heard.
UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon issued a statement, in which he congratulated the Palestinians, and wished them luck in finally achieving Fatah-Hamas unity. “But we must keep in mind,” he said, “that there are still many obstacles to peace in the Middle East to be overcome, such as Jewish settlement construction. And the lack of Palestinians may slow down negotiations for Israeli withdrawal.”
The New York Times, in an editorial, agreed, and added sternly that “the hardline right-wing Netanyahu government should be put on notice that this event does not give it the right to violate international law and Judaize the city of Jerusalem, which is holy to three great religions, and which some Arabs probably want as capital of their future state.”
In his column, Thomas L. Friedman suggested that perhaps the disappearance of the Palestinians opened up a long-awaited window of opportunity: “If the hardline right-wing Likudniks over there would just get down on their bellies and crawl to Riyadh where they can bow to the King the way Obama did, then maybe there could be progress,” said Friedman. “But they must act quickly, before the world loses patience.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the possibility of a miracle. “If anybody brings Muslims to heaven, it’s going to be me, and it’s not going to be those Sunni heretics that get to go, either. Probably the Zionists, who are still a cancer on the pancreas of the Islamic Middle East, murdered them and hid their bodies somewhere. ”
“Yeah,” piped up Hassan Nasrallah, “and they are still occupying the Shabaa Farms, whether or not there are any Palestinians.”
US President Barack Obama, now a lame duck and too depressed to talk, did not make an official statement. But he was overheard when he spoke into an open microphone, saying “f-k the Jews, they didn’t vote for us anyway.”
Finally, a joint delegation from Students for Justice in Palestine, J Street, Jewish Voice for Peace and Peter Beinart appeared on MSNBC. “We are pleased to see that the oppression of Palestinians has finally come to an end. But there is still much to do in order to sma– er, improve — the undemocratic, racist, right-wing theocratic state of Israel. We are all Palestinians now!”
There was a soft pop, and they disappeared.